Counting Down

Perhaps the reason I haven't written in three weeks is because I've been in denial of reality... or I've at least been too overwhelmed to want to write about it.

So instead of dwelling on the past (ok, it hasn't been ALL bad...), here are all the things I'm looking forward to:

• Being done with my internship (7 working days left!!)...There will be parts of my internship that I seriously miss, but I really want my life (and sanity) back.   
• Playing Just Dance on the wii.  It's something I've wanted to do recently, but haven't had time to during my internship.  And I'm good at it, too.  
• My roommate Becky's bridal shower.  I'm thrilled that she's getting married....to a great guy, of course.  
• Seeing several old friends that I've told, "I can hang out in two weeks!"
• The CES Fireside on Nov. 4th.  
• Daylight savings time ends on Nov. 4th....another sign that winter is on its way. :)
• Flying to Georgia in two weeks to visit my sister Rebekah's family.
• While in Georgia, I'll be attending ASHA with my sister Kaylene.  We two speechie nerds are going to have some good bonding time exploring all ASHA has to offer... including free stuff in the exhibit hall!
• Flying to Houston for my nephew's baptism and for Thanksgiving.  
• Flying home for Christmas... I just bought my plane tickets tonight!  (I think flying is sort of a theme here of things I'm looking forward to...what can I say?  I love to travel!)

So there you have it.  The next several weeks will be wonderful!  This past month has been filled with lots of stress and struggle, but also many wonderful miracles and tender mercies.  I have so many good friends that help take care of me.  I don't know how I could have survived this far without their love and generous service.  God truly answers our prayers through the people around us.  

Love,

Janelle

Amazed

Amazing things have happened this week.  They may not be amazing to some people, but they are to me.

1. After doing a few swallow evaluations this week, two of my patients can now eat food!  They were both previously on feeding tubes... but no longer.  Thankfully I've never had to experience going a month without eating food, but watching other people go through that makes me appreciate what a pleasurable, satisfying thing it is to eat.  So much of our social interaction and sense of self comes from eating.  And going for a long period of time without food can be torturous.  Trust me, I've had more than one patient ask me if they can get a steak...

2. Still on the topic of these swallow evaluations... I "took the lead" on two types of evaluations this week: a modified barium swallow (video x-ray of patients eating barium food), and a flexible endoscopic evaluation of swallowing (FEES).  During the evals, my supervisor, Kristin, wanted me to "call the shots", decide what to see next, what strategies to try, and then recommend what diet level the patient to have.  Apparently, I nailed it right on the head both times.  Afterward, Kristin had an excited look on her face, put her hand on my back and told me that I did a great job.  Later, after writing up the reports for both of these evals (these types of swallow evals make for longer, more detailed reports), Kristin said she was "amazed" at how thorough and accurate I was.  She joked that I could now be hired.... but I'm definitely not ready for that. :)  From my perspective, I'm amazed that I was able to do so well with these evaluations--they're tricky, I don't have much experience with them, and there were a few times when I felt like I was guessing ... and I'm even more amazed at how this has boosted my confidence the past couple days.  It taught me that I can be successful and do quality work.

3. Lastly, I'm amazed at how life is so much better when we put our focus, faith, and trust in Heavenly Father.  As I struggled through last week, I kept wondering what I needed to change in order to be happier and have more strength to get through these long days at the hospital.  I was already keeping up with studying my scriptures, etc...but I needed to better about remembering the Savior throughout the day, making sure I can feel the spirit at all times, and being even more sincere in my prayers.  As I've tried to make these changes, Heavenly Father has poured out so many evidences of his love and mercy--mostly through other people.  I'm amazed at how much Heavenly Father loves me.  And I know He loves all of us infinitely.

4. Ok, I lied...one more thing:  At lunch, my supervisor turned to me and said, "I have a big surprise for you."   I couldn't immediately tell if it was going to be good news or bad... but she let me know that we have this Friday off of work!  It's to make up for being scheduled to work Saturday the 20th... but still!  I am thrilled!! What a tender mercy. :)  I can have a day to prepare for General Conference, catch up on sleep, and take care of some much needed to-do's.  What a blessing..... that means tomorrow is my "Friday"!

Patients and Patience

This post is dedicated to all my patients who I have learned so much from... I have unique relationships with each one.  Some I joke with, some I am more gentle with, and some I just have to be a little tough with.  Once in rehab, every patient has about 5 hours a day of rehab--occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy.  The patients have long days of hard work just like the therapists...but they have to do their work while recovering from all kinds of injuries, surgeries, and traumatic events.  Often I feel a little bad about pushing my patients to work hard through yet another therapy session...but sometimes they need it.  I just love the reactions I get when I start to push my patients to their limit:

"[hesitant tone of voice:] ok..."
"oh honey, I just don't know"
"uh..... no"
*blank stare*
*the look that says "you're crazy for thinking I can do that"*
*blank stare*
"I just feel like a dummy"
"yeah, I know that already"
*gesture to go away*
*patient tries to push their wheelchair away from me*
*blank stare*
"I'm sorry..."
"I'll try not to fall asleep this time"

Not all patients react negatively to therapy...some are very friendly, and most of their family members are very gracious.  It's great when a patient comes into therapy and smiles at me, or even better when a patient sees me in the hall and says hello as if I'm a friend.  I had a great moment today when a family member told me, "You are so good at what you do, thank you so much.  You communicate so clearly and are so positive and helpful."  I felt as if I didn't deserve such a compliment, and reminded the woman that I'm only a student, and that I'm still learning... but she insisted that I was doing great work and that she was impressed with me.  Wow, talk about humbling... but it was such a rewarding moment to think that maybe I am doing some good in the world.

Moral of the story: "Let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." (James 1:4)

Field Trip!

Today was adventurous.  I got to go on a therapy field trip to the Red Butte Gardens in Salt Lake City, less than 2 miles from University Hospital.  I'd heard of this place before, but it exceeded my expectations... I mean, look at this:

This is a view of the "Fragrance Garden"...they had a rose garden, children's garden (so cute!), herb garden, etc... I think I could have spent a whole day there walking around enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells.  Unfortunately, we did have to go back to the hospital...

After tomorrow, I will officially be half way done with my internship!  I have pretty mixed feelings about it.  Mostly, I'm excited to be finished because of how tiring it is to have 13 hour days (4 hours of which is commuting).  But I know that I am learning so much, and I do enjoy getting to know my patients, and feeling like I'm [hopefully] making a difference in their lives.  When the internship ends, I'm sure I'll miss seeing the people I've gotten to know so well.... but then again.... not having to wake up at 5 am sounds really nice.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday. :)

Five Loaves and Two Fishes

It's been a while...

Why has it been a while?....

Well, that's because life is really hard sometimes.

These last few weeks have taught me that Heavenly Father can take our meager, day-by-day efforts, and make them sufficient to meet our challenges.  I really do believe that this divine strength is conditional upon our faith, patience, and trust in Heavenly Father.  We have weaknesses and challenges so that we turn to our Savior, become humble, and remember that we really do need Him.

As for the details of my life, here's a few highlights:

• I'm now in the 5th week of my internship.  That means after this week, I will be half way done.  To be more precise, I currently have 29 days left.  Not bad, huh?  I'm really getting the hang of things, and becoming quite independent.  It's not nearly as stressful as it was two weeks ago.  
• Yesterday, I attended the Brigham City Temple Dedication.  It was the seventh temple dedication I've been to. (The others are St. Paul, MN, Nauvoo, IL, Palmyra, NY, Winter Quarters, NE, Draper, UT, and Oquirrh Mountain, UT)  I've been so blessed to participate in so many temple dedications.  These occasions carry a special spirit with them...one that brings a renewed desire to keep my life in line with going to the temple.  
• Fall is coming!  The temperatures are cooling off, leaves are starting to turn, and I'm slowly pulling out more cardigans and long-sleeved shirts.  This Minnesota girl couldn't be happier!
• General Conference is now less than two weeks away!  I seriously look forward to General Conference with the same anticipation as I do Christmas.  
• Melatonin has become my new best friend.  There was a recent period of about a whole week when I didn't ever get more than 3 hours of sleep per night.  I would frequently be up until 2 or 2:30 unable to sleep...finally drifting off for a bit before getting up at 5.  Needless to say, this really took a toll on my ability to think, function, and handle stress.  Thanks to the persuasion of some good friends, I tried melatonin, and it has been working wonders (except last night...which was odd).  I simply take half of a 3mg pill, and it does just enough to get me to sleep and help me stay asleep through the night.  I tell ya....sleep is a beautiful thing.  

Well, the bus ride is almost over... more later. :)

Love,

Janelle

Light

Yesterday I had a simple experience that filled my heart with a spirit of love and kindness.  Early in the morning on my bus ride to Salt Lake, a man boarded and the bus and dropped his drivers license as he walked past me.  He didn't notice, and I'm not sure anyone else did besides me.  For a moment I hesitated, embarrassed at the thought of drawing attention to myself.  But the spirit pricked me again to pick up the license and follow the man to his seat.  Thankfully I was quick enough to act before the bus started to move again.  I sat down, and I was suddenly filled with a soft feeling of compassion and peace.  I love how the spirit confirms to us God's love when we serve others--even if it is something so simple as picking up a driver's license.  

I watched a new Mormon Message video tonight that I think gets to the heart of what I experienced yesterday morning.  This video is from Elder Bednar talking about light.  He mentions how this light that each of us are born with is something that moves us to act righteously and reach out to others as the Savior would.  There are actually three short videos in this series from Elder Bednar which discuss various aspects and characteristics of light.  Please take a minute to watch, and feel the spirit ignite this light within you.  

Bring a Sweater

            Traffic right now on I-15 is a beast.  It’s moment like this when I’m glad I’m not driving, but rather spending my time [somewhat] more productively.  My lessons learned from today are these:

1.      I need to bring a sweater to work.  Not only is it getting colder in the early morning hours, but it’s also freezing at the hospital. 

2.      Typically, I’m a quick learner.  I pick up tricks and shortcuts for greater efficiency.  My mind usually does a good job sorting through new information and procedures.  Except for billing.  After a week of practice with charting patient info, I’m finally starting to get it…

3.      I want to be just like my supervisor Kristin…and I told her!

4.      Don’t take a shower at night, sleep on it while it’s drying, attempt to curl it, and then change your mind by straightening it back.  It only results in a pony-tail

5.      I stress a lot about little things (I knew this before, but to be reminded of it is only more stressful.)

6.      Gratitude, perspective, and optimism go a long way.

7.      If we exercise faith in Christ, He really does strengthen us to carry our burdens, that they may be light. (Mosiah 24:14-15)

8.      There are some things I can’t control—like how late the bus may be running.  I’m stuck.  And I may as well learn to sit back and enjoy the ride while I can. 

9.      I need to be more patient with myself as I learn.

10.  Heavenly Father loves me.  I see it every day.

I can’t wait to get home and eat some dinner…

Love,

J

Loving in new ways

Can I just say that I am relieved to be done with my first week at the hospital?  It's been a wonderful learning experience so far, but I'm wiped out!  (Cut me some slack, I've been awake for a solid 17 hours...)  Today had it's own adventures just like every day... patients whose speech I can't understand...patients who don't cooperate very well...and of course some patients who make my heart melt a little.  One thing I've noticed is that I love being friendly to every patient--even if they are difficult.  I figure that those people deserve a smile and friendly greeting more than anyone.  I'm just surprised at how much I love them... I didn't expect that so much.

I'm still figuring out some of the logistics of the internship, but I know it'll come.  Like I mentioned in my last post, my supervisor is so great--she is so patient with me and gives me confidence to keep trying.

On a completely different note, I got copies of our family pictures that we had taken at our reunion in July.  Here are just a few--they turned out great!  I love my family.  They all inspire me to be my best self.

The whole bunch of us.  

Each of my siblings' families had portraits taken, and since
 I am my own "family", I got a glamour shot. :)

My parents and siblings.
(Standing: Nick, Vanessa; Sitting: Kaylene, Mom, Dad, Rebekah, Janelle)

The 810

Come along with me on a ride for a moment (quite literally...we're talking bus rides here...)  This is how the first day of my internship started:

I got to the UTA transit station in Orem at 5:45am this morning--in plenty of time before the 810 bus would arrive to give me a straight shot to the University of Utah Medical Center.  I waited there...a few others there as well.  When the 810 came around, I pulled out my student bus pass, got on, tapped it on the card reader, and almost turned to keep boarding the bus.  But then I noticed that the card reader didn't give me a green light to board.  The bus driver quickly informed me that my pass doesn't work on "express" buses...a distinction I wasn't aware of.  [Note: I did my homework on bus routes, fares, etc, so I really wasn't expecting this.]  But bless this man's soul--he gave me a fare ticket and let me on anyway.  The fare was $8.75, but I got a free ride.  This of course did not set my day off the way I hoped... At a stop in American Fork, a woman sat by me and then she quickly put on her University Hospital badge.  Sweet mercy!  I knew that all I had to do was get off at the same stop as her, and all would be well.  Except, I had no idea how to manage getting back to Orem.  I'm not familiar with all the other available bus/trax routes.  When I walked into the hospital, I quickly went to the information desk, and a kind employee sympathized with my situation and suggested I get some cash from an ATM to pay for my return fare.  I got $10 out of the ATM, but of course wondered whether I would need exact change.  Now, fast forward to 3:30pm.  My supervisor took me to get my official hospital badge, but then I needed to buy a little clip at the gift shop.  The change I got at the gift shop gave me a perfect $8.75 for the bus ride.  As I boarded the bus at 4:25, there was a sign saying "exact change required."  At that moment, I said a little prayer of thanks.  I had the faith that Heavenly Father would look out for me as I started my internship, and this is a simple but very meaningful evidence of his protection.

Now....as for the internship itself:  First of all, I love my supervisor.  Her name is Kristin and she is full of personality, but also laid back.  She talked at me all day long, but was encouraging and made me feel comfortable there.  Talking with her about various patients, reports, etc., she liked what I had to suggest in terms of observations, treatment considerations, and the like.  That really made me feel like "ok, maybe I can do this."  By the end of next week, I will have taken on her full caseload of patients. (Yikes!)  While this is stressful, I can tell that I am really going to like working there.  The environment is great, and I'm learning to just dive in.  I was extremely tired today as I didn't sleep much last night (first-day jitters).  Falling asleep tonight shouldn't be too hard.

As for tomorrow... I think I'm going to drive. :)

Another Chapter Written

Today was one of those days when I closed another chapter in my life.  I've worked at the Key Office at BYU for several years, and today was my last day.  I feel completely ready to move on, but I will certainly miss these girls:

I may have shed a tear when Saryn (green shirt) gave me a hug...  I've spent a good portion of my college career at that office, and I'm so grateful to have enjoyed such good friendships there.

I start an internship at the University of Utah Medical Center on Monday, and I'm both excited and a little nervous.  I'm sure I'll have plenty to write about when that gets underway... there are just so many life changes that are about to happen, and all of it is wonderful.  Life is a blessing.

Love,
J

Sweet Little Lies

We've all felt the discouragement and occasional depression that comes when Satan lies to us.  The only tricky part is to identify those thoughts as lies, not truth.  The past few days, I've been blessed enough to consciously recognize Satan's lies...to know that what I'm hearing in my mind is coming from him and not the spirit.  Satan is persistent though.  Even if we detect his strategy, he'll keep trying.  His lies are low blows--always discouraging, usually backwards, and occasionally very twisted.  And even when we know that he is feeding us a disgusting lie, it's easy to take the bait.  It's easy to give in.  Only when we turn toward Christ and grasp his ever outstretched hand can we escape the power of Satan's lies.  It is in the safety of Christ's Atonement that we can see things (and ourselves) as they really are.  Here's an excerpt from Brad Wilcox's book, "The Continuous Atonement" which I related well to:

In those anxious moments when you don't feel you "all" is enough, the greatest comfort I have found is in knowing any effort is pleasing to God even if He and I both know it's not my all or my best.  It may be far from an acceptable offering, but God accepts it nonetheless because ultimately He is more concerned with the offerer than the offering.  Elder Gerald N. Lund wrote: 'Remember that one of Satan's strategies, especially with good people, is to whisper in their ears: "If you aren't perfect, you're failing."  This is one of his most effective deceptions...We should recognize that God is pleased with every effort we make - no matter how faltering - to better ourselves...'  If I am halfway up the mountain and on my way to the top, it is better than being at the bottom and refusing to try." (Brad Wilcox, The Continuous Atonement, 108)

So keep on trying.

Writing a thesis: An experience of humility, perseverance, and determination

Ever since I defended my thesis last week, several friends have asked me, "so how does it feel to be done with your masters degree?"  First, to clarify one thing, I am not done with my masters.  I'm done with my thesis, which is only 1/3 of my masters program.  And it makes sense that people associate defending a thesis with being done with the whole program.  This is because most graduate students leave their thesis for last.  Well, I ended up being a freakishly proactive over-achiever and I finished my thesis in my first year of graduate school.  Now, before you say, "wow, that's impressive," let me tell you about how challenging that was...and maybe you'll have some pity on me.

I feel that this accurately describes how I often felt writing a thesis.  It's a somewhat vulnerable experience as your writing goes through dozens of rounds of revisions...often concluding with your adviser saying, "I just went ahead and changed some things for you." (at which point I would think to myself: Thank you!!!) Writing a thesis in my first year of grad school meant doing all of the research and writing of my thesis while taking a full load of classes, meeting with three clients each semester, and working as a TA.  Thankfully, I learned some valuable lessons along the way that I didn't necessarily expect.  Here are just a few:

• I learned more about how to be a good writer by writing a thesis than all of the English classes I've ever taken, combined.  In no other class did I get to work one-on-one with a professor to go through 50 or so drafts of a paper.  Those 50 drafts taught me a lot about reading and writing with a critical eye for clarity, organization, and word choice.
• This may be a little obvious, but I learned a good lesson in delayed gratification.  I have no clue how many hours I spent writing, meeting with research participants, or analyzing data in the lab late at night.  But each one of those hours put me one step closer to completion.  And there were times when it was hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel.  
• When you work on research, you aren't working independently in a vacuum.  You depend on other people.  Your goals and timelines might not work out, and not because you didn't try hard, but because research is never a perfect process.  Sometimes I had to learn to say "it'll be ok, I'm not going to worry about factors I can't control."
• Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives.  Towards the end of the study, I was waiting for a computer programmer to finish tweaking a MATLAB program for us to analyze the data.  This was being delayed as the programmer kept running into bugs.  I personally know nothing about MATLAB, and so I felt helpless.  After 4-5 weeks of delays, I finally mustered the humility to acknowledge that Heavenly Father could help to get this analysis program working.  I even had the faith to ask Him to get it working the very next day.  The next afternoon, I received an email from my adviser saying that the bugs had been resolved, and the program was ready for a test run.  What a blessing and answer to prayer.  I certainly never thought that writing a thesis could prove to be a builder of faith.  

So those are a few of my lessons learned.  If it wasn't a requirement for me to write a thesis, there is no way on earth I would have ever done it.  But it's an experience I am grateful for.  

The department secretary makes these mini posters
 to advertise for every thesis defense.
I kept mine as a souvenir. :)

p.s. For those who may appreciate it, I wrote the title of this post in APA format.  I couldn't help myself.

My Abundant Life

Today is my 23rd birthday!  As with every birthday, I tend to do a good amount of reflecting on the previous year...as well as some good thinkin' about where I'm headed. This past year has been amazing in so many ways!  I've survived (quite literally) my first year of graduate school, written a thesis, moved apartments, traveled, and taken on new responsibilities at church as Relief Society president among other adventures.  As I looked back on my 22nd year, I felt gratitude for all that I have, the people I love, and how I've grown.  The growing pains have hurt, that's for sure.  But now I'm ready to face the next year of my life.  This will entail internships, graduation, and applying for jobs.  I'm not sure what my life as a 23-yr-old will bring, but I want to make it a year of growth and excitement.

You see, I always try to be happy and have an optimistic attitude about the hard things in life, but sometimes it takes effort.  Today I found a quote on another blog which inspired the title of my own new blog.  It said, "The moment you start acting like life is a blessing, I assure you that it will start to feel like one."  This is something I want to be better at.  I want to do my best at appreciating every opportunity AND every challenge that comes my way.  Yep, that's my goal for this year.  This train of thought also reminded me of a general conference talk that I love.  Elder Joseph B. Worthlin gave a talk called "The Abundant Life" in April 2006.  If you haven't read it, read it.  Here, I'll make it easy for you: Joseph B. Worthlin "The Abundant Life"

So this brings me back to now.  It has been a good birthday.  I went to Noodles & Company for lunch with my roommate Kyrie, turned in my thesis to the dean's office, went to the temple, spent time with a few friends, talked on the phone with my mom and sister Kaylene, and watched "The Help".  (p.s. I rarely take time to watch movies anymore...so that was a real indulgence.)  I suppose that's all for now...but there is more to come.

-J